Cause if you are, please feel free not to read the rest :) But I'm sure I have you all so captivated at this point, that it's like a train wreck you can't not finish watching...or in this case reading! Seriously though, I do not want to forget one moment of this time in our lives. I don't even think I blogged this much about Sophia's birth, but you will get a little insight into that day soon enough. If you stay tuned that is :)
Once we got all checked in around 11:45 that Tuesday morning, I got checked for progress. And I have to say, I wasn't expecting a lot. And not a lot is exactly what I got :) At least I wasn't disappointed! Almost 2 cm dilated and about 60% effaced. Not much change at all, but some is better than none. Either way they did confirm I was indeed in labor, with contractions 3-5 minutes apart ~ yea me!!!!! And then we waited. Around 2:30 or 3, Dr. Holstie came by and attempted to break my water. She thought she snagged it but there was no gush, no leaking and no increased contractions. However, the good news was that I was now 3 cm dilated...not fast progress but still progress. And so we waited. Then at my 7:30 check, they realized they hadn't broke my water at all, which certainly explained a great deal. So after a successful breaking of the water, we were all convinced things would pick up. Boy, did they! At least pain wise!!! Up to this point, I had not needed nor wanted an epidural. I knew at some point I would get one simply because my doctor and I had already decided that was the safest option given that I was trying for a VBAC. In the case of an emergency c-section, the last thing I wanted was to be knocked out for the entire procedure and have no recollection of my sweet girl being born. And my sweet nurse Jenny kept reassuring me that I would know when the time came that I wanted one. She wasn't rushing me in any way. Let me just say ~ she knew what she was talking about! After having my water broken, the intensity had picked up and I think I withstood maybe two super intense contractions. But truth be told, I think I could have handled the contractions a while longer if I had had to. And by a little while longer, I mean maybe 30 minutes :) Truly, the worst part for me was just the water leaking...that is such a gross sensation and it totally weirded me out!!!
So yep, I made that special request! I wanted the epidural. My anesthesiologist was super nice and was cracking jokes ~ one about a farmer's broken hand and milking a cow with his "utter" hand and the other about a father bison telling his son "bye son" as he left for college. Corny I know :) But I still remember them, so what can I say?!
Let's just say, life was better after that and so guess what we did...we waited! See a theme appearing here??? At some point, I got a dose of epinephrine because my blood pressure dropped significantly, supposedly a side effect from the epidural. That frightened me a little but it seemed to help stabilize my stats so we just kept on chugging along! My next check was scheduled for around 11:00 and this was when things started to not go as well.
Still between a 3-4 the doctor uttered the words I did not want to hear..."I think at this point we need to just move ahead with the c-section." To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I just remember my heart sinking. And the tears and Jaime and Kevin trying to help me think things through. It wasn't like I didn't know it was a possibility. I did...believe me, I had gone there. But the intensity of the contractions and the images in my head, did not correlate with this new development. I remember hearing my sweet nurse mention to the doctor that she felt like my pelvic bone was just not going to allow her to drop. And if she wasn't able to drop, then we were stuck. I heard. It registered. I cried. I couldn't think. It was shift change. I felt like a quitter. I felt like I had failed my baby. I felt like my body was just screwed up. The thing is, I wasn't even scared of the surgery. But I just couldn't quite wrap my brain around it.
Dr. Hosltie was sweet and mentioned attempting a small dose of Pitocin. The one thing I was not open to ~ originally that is. Given the VBAC risks, my doctor and I had discussed the use of Pitocin and I had made up my mind that the risk of uterine rupture were just too great. I had two sweet girls to think about, not just my ideal labor and delivery plan. However, when the time came, I needed to know I had tried everything. I just wasn't at peace with not trying it. AFTER I had been reassured by both nurses and the doctor that they wouldn't offer it if they weren't comfortable with the option. AFTER I had been reassured the nurse would be constantly monitoring Lilah's heart rate and that the c-section would be automatic at the first sign of distress. AFTER talking to Kevin and the dearest best friend I could ever ask for, we decided to try it. With them on board, I knew I could do this. And either way, at least I could rest assured knowing I tried EVERYTHING to have my sweet girl vaginally. So we agreed to the Pitocin all the while knowing and having been told, the odds were not in my favor.
We had two hours...two measly hours. At some point, I realized that both of my girls were going to be born on the 13th. They would be exactly two years and two months apart. A little later, Kevin noted that Lilah would be born on 6/13 and that Sophia weighed 6 lbs 13 ozs. So apparently, 6 and 13 are lucky numbers for us! Seeing as how my clock was ticking, I let everyone know what was going on and then eventually fell asleep for a little while. Jaime stayed up and somehow I think I knew she was watching out for me even in my sleep. Otherwise I know I couldn't have rested at all. Kevin was already asleep at this point...but if you know him, he can sleep anywhere. I remember waking up to some activity and instinctively knowing a decision was about to be made. The check came. The decision was made. With no progress, it was safer for me and the baby to move forward with the c-section. And while I was still anxious and disappointed, I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.
See the thing is though, that this time around was completely different than the first surgery. The first c-section was planned. Since Sophia was breech the whole time, I knew that we were likely having a c-section for quite a while before she was born. Yes, the day that we went in for her 38 week check-up and Dr. Tran told me you are having a baby either tonight or first thing in the morning, I was shocked. I was not anticipating the IUGR diagnosis and the rush c-section. However, at the same time, I knew it was best for her. Oh sure I cried because the IUGR diagnosis worried me, but we had time to come home and finish packing, mentally preparing and just getting ready to meet our baby the next morning.
With Lilah, there was a little more of an "emergency" situation and the mood in the room reflected that. Besides that...the first time around it was just that. The first time. There was no other child to consider. All I could think about when delivering Sophia was that she was safe, healthy and here. But this time...well, this time, there was so much more to think about. Namely ~ one precious, blue-eyed, blond-haired, funny, absolute love of my life ~ Sophia. So while I wasn't scared of the actual surgery, I was scared to have the surgery. Seems the same, but totally different. I hated knowing that something could go wrong. I hated knowing that my recovery would keep me away from her longer. I hated knowing that I wouldn't be able to hold her or play with her. I hated knowing that she might be scared of Mommy given that I knew the pain would register on my face. So while I was ready to meet my sweet Lilah Bear, my Mommy heart was literally torn in half. One half belonged to my sweet Sophia Grace. The other half to my precious Lilah Elizabeth.
And the only thing I could do was give it over to the Lord and rest in knowing that no matter what, Sophia would be ok. I had to give my worries over and just focus on myself and Lilah. So we prepped for surgery. I made sure that Jaime could go with Lilah if Kevin needed to be with me. I made sure that I knew what was happening. I made sure I told everyone I loved them. I made sure I was as much at peace as I could be.
And then we were off to the operating room. It was a bit surreal to say the least. The fluorescent lights in the ceiling, the curiosity on the faces we passed, the chatter of the nurses as they discussed which OR to take me to.
Can I just say those rooms are FREEZING?! Not only are you already anxious, but you are cold! I knew from all my conversations with my doctor and nurses that they would simply administer another dose of medicine into the epidural line to numb me. I also knew that something wasn't quite right. I guess having been through it before, I just knew I felt weird. I could feel more of the prep than I did the first time. I knew the cleaning medication was cold. And when I gasped "ow" when I was poked, the anesthesiologist knew it too. He even asked if they had put something on my stomach to which I replied, "Yep and it was cold." Kevin wasn't with me at this point, and the last thing you want to hear is "Oh. Crap". The good news is, at least we all realized I still had feeling before surgery actually started! So thank you nice people who poke around before cutting ~ I REALLY appreciate your job. I mean REALLY, REALLY, REALLY appreciate you!
Maybe with the extra dose of medicine, I was just thrown. I know I had another dose of epi at some point to regulate my blood pressure again. I remember people talking. I remember hearing her cry and how much she weighed. I remember looking at her as Kevin held her and just sort of nodding at him. I knew my baby was ok. But I was so incredibly tired and just kept falling asleep or passing out...I'm still not sure exactly which.
With Soph, I was awake enough to hold her for a few minutes. I remember talking to her and marveling over how absolutely perfect she was. I remember looking at Kevin and knowing without a doubt our lives had just been changed for the better. I remember the NICU word being thrown around and remember telling Kevin to go with her when they left the room to head to the nursery. My memory is so much more clear.
So I wish I could say that I held my sweet Lilah Bear in the OR, but I didn't. It wasn't until about 9:00 that morning, after an extended nursery stay due to low blood sugar, that I was first able to hold my baby. But even after the craziness that was my labor story, it certainly didn't take away from the magic of that moment. In my medicated stupor, I was amazed at how LONG her fingernails were. There's even a video and boy, was I medicated! Thankfully, later that night or early Thursday morning, the anesthesiologist came in and lowered the dose on the epidural machine and my brain was able to find it's way out of the fog I was living in.
Because before that, I was literally falling asleep mid-sentence, while eating and other completely inappropriate times. It was so bad that I even had to sign papers that I refused to have my catheter removed as earlier recommended by my doctor. I mean if I couldn't stay awake to eat, how would I possibly stay awake to potty??? Yea, enough said about that. However, as a silver lining, at least I gave the nurses a form of entertainment because I later learned from my nurse that I was "the talk" of the nurses' station! Sure is a shame you don't get a discounted rate for being "that patient"!
And while recovery has been different this time, I am sure due to the hours of labor prior to surgery, it is all worth it. I would be lying if I said there wouldn't always be a part of me that wonders what it is like to give birth vaginally. It's just something I won't ever be able to experience. However, I am so grateful that the Lord let me experience true labor. And I will take heart in knowing that the outcome was HIS plan for us. And this side of Heaven I may never know why ~ but I do know that His plan is ALWAYS better than mine, even if at the time I don't necessarily think so. And while there may always be that little part of me that wonders what it's like, the truth is, now, in hindsight, none of that really matters.
What matters is my sweet little girl who is perfectly healthy, with a precious cry, the cutest smiles (even if they are only reflexes), big blue eyes and has captured my heart entirely. She is absolutely the perfect addition to our family ~ she filled that empty spot in my heart and in our home, a spot I'm not even sure I knew existed until she came.
I have no idea why the Lord sees fit for ME, with all my imperfections and faults, to be the mother of two such precious angels. I truly look at them in complete awe. There is just something about a mother's love that can not be molded, taken away or expressed in words. It is all encompassing, unconditional, and amazing. It is by far, without a single doubt, the best feeling in the entire world. And even when they are both crying, I'm being pulled in a million different directions, and all I can do is laugh or else I'd just sit down and cry with them, I wouldn't change one single second of my life. I am blessed way beyond what I could ever deserve. But I can promise the Lord one thing. I will love these girls with all my being. I will raise them knowing that He loves them even more than that. And no matter what, they are special and beautiful in both of our eyes and deserve the very best life has to offer.
And with all that being said, the next post might finally be what you have all been waiting for ~ the pictures of my precious girl :)
I love you Lilah Elizabeth. To the moon and back. Forever and always!
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