"Be still, and know that I am God..." ~ Psalm 46:10
It has taken me a while to get to a point where I could write this post and even now I'm not certain that I can find the words.
Last Tuesday, we went for our normal checkup. At 26 weeks, this was the "big" checkup as I liked to call it. I had to drink the "goo" to test for Gestational Diabetes and discussed a number of things with Dr. Tran ~ from cord blood banking, to cesareans, to preterm labor, to pediatricians. Of all the things I was scared about for that appointment, it was having my blood drawn! Yes, you may talk about cutting me open, sticking an enormous needle in my back to relieve the pain, and the necessity of birthing classes and I can keep my cool. But the whole, "we'll draw your blood in an hour" thing ~ my head spins and I start to get a little queasy! The good news is ~ no Gestational Diabetes :)
Anyway, that isn't really the point of the post. See how I'm avoiding ~ I do that sometimes! Like I said before, my fear for that appointment was simply that ~ my fear of having blood drawn. I hate needles ~ except for the big needle mentioned above that will take away the pain! That needle I may even name and love as my newest best friend for those few hours we are acquainted :) What my fear wasn't ~ that the pelvic measurements (officially known as, Fundal Height Measurements ~ but hey, it's a pelvic measurement, that's all) would be small.
At a certain point in the pregnancy they start to measure this in order to track the baby's growth. At 21 weeks, Sophie was measuring to perfection. At this one, she was two weeks behind :( Now I know that you shouldn't immediately panic but of course I did ~ well, I held it together until I was out of the Dr.'s office. Then I lost it.
This is my child we are talking about, and there is a certain connection and responsibility that is unique to a mother and her unborn child. I have had such an amazing pregnancy so far and was completely shocked by this sudden development. And yes, I have had my days of worry and shed more than my fair share of tears over this past week, but I have done my very best to carry on with my normal life knowing that this is beyond my control. And finally, tomorrow is the day.
Tomorrow is the day that we will go for an ultrasound and we will figure out what is going on. It could be nothing ~ simply her position, that I'm carrying low, nothing to worry about. But then, there is that other side of things ~ the side I refuse to acknowledge right now despite the fact that it lingers in the back of my mind.
So tonight, as I go through the roller coaster of emotions and pray to the only One who already knows all the answers, I shed a few more tears and remind myself of Psalm 46:10. Because at this point, that's all we really have.
Sophie - Mommy & Daddy love you more than life (and so do lots of other people by the way)! We're here waiting to welcome you into this world with open arms and hearts filled with unconditional love.
Until then, stay safe honey and grow big.
All my love,
Mommy
