After five months, I've decided that I miss blogging. You are probably hoping for an update on our precious girls. Those will come, I promise :) But today, I had something on my heart that I needed to get into words. And so here it goes...
Do you ever wonder if you are doing enough? And then on the flip side of it, am I doing too much? Because, as a mother, I think that every.single.day.
Am I spending too much time cleaning and worrying about the dust and crumbs? Dust that accumulates because I am beyond blessed to be able to spend every day at home with my girls. Crumbs that cover my floor because I have two precious girls ~ one who likes to "share" her food with the dog and the other who feels like raking crumbs from the table and her chair is "cleaning up the mess". (Side note: This literally just happened as we were having Ritz crackers as a snack. And all I can do, is say "Thank you, Honey" because she is simply so proud of herself. Oh, and secretly wish that George wasn't at the groomers because I know he would have happily cleaned up some of the crumbs on my behalf.)
Am I spending enough time playing on the floor with my girls? Restacking the umpteenth tall tower Sophia carefully built and sweet, little Lilah so lovingly knocked over. Eating pretend pancakes and drinking pretend apple juice. Putting together puzzles that seemed fun initially but got left unfinished because something else became a little more interesting.
Am I encouraging them enough? Using small opportunities like sharing, showing patience, brushing your teeth without a fight, listening and simply being kind to remind them how proud I am of the people they are growing up to be.
Am I disciplining them enough? And as a follow-up to that, am I disciplining them in the right way?
Am I fighting the right battles? Because yes, maybe it's a southern thing, but "yes mam/sir" and "no mam/sir" are in our vocabulary. I may not require it at every response, but it is a habit I am determined to instill in my children. Where is the fine line with siblings to step-in vs. letting them fight it out? Because for the sake of honesty, sometimes they "fight" it out. I figure this is a lesson they need to learn. There won't always be a moderator to solve your problems. Thankfully, most of the time they work it out rather peacefully.
Am I making enough "home-cooked" meals? Another moment of honesty, my kids eat chicken nuggets. So sue me. I would like to be one of those all organic, no preservative parents, but I'm just not. I do the best I can and my crock-pot has become a good friend of mine. I should probably consider naming it as much as I've put it to use lately.
Am I giving enough time to my husband and my marriage? Probably not. I feel guilty about this, and I am working on it. This Momma is tired, but I am so blessed to have a husband who seems to understand that and does his best to help me out when he is able. I struggle with letting go of control and trusting my girls to someone else so we can have date nights. I like things done my way, on my time. It's called being anal! However, I want my girls to grow up wanting a marriage like their Dad and I have, to know what it is like to devote time to the one you love, to know marriage takes work. It may not always be roses, but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.
Am I giving enough time to my God? Does anyone ever? Every night we pray with our girls. Every night I pray for their future husbands, their health, their future, and most importantly their salvation. I love that Sophia knows that I love her to the "moon and back a million times but Jesus loves her more." If she only learns that one thing in all her life, it would be enough to sustain her. One day soon Lilah will be old enough to understand the same thing.
And finally at the end of all that, do I take enough time for myself? And by time to myself, I mean other than taking a five-minute shower just to say I did. The answer is a resounding no. Sometimes I do more than others. Sometimes I need the kid-free dinner and a pedicure. Sometimes I need the kid free errands run. And sometimes, like today, I need to spend snack time and encourage independent play so that I can spend a little while in front of the computer to catch up on a blog that I've decided I missed.
I guess my point to this whole post is that as moms we beat ourselves up. That thing called "mom's guilt"...well, at least in this house it's real. This past week has been rough. An independent three-year-old in a cast is a trial. The heartbreak I feel at her losing part of her summer, of not being able to walk, of it happening on "my" watch ~ it is excruciating. Then on top of that guilt, I feel guilty for being upset about a cast because others have it SO much worse. Guilt on top of guilt...anyone relate?
However, this cast thing has reminded me of a couple things. One, my kids are amazing. There have been a few downtrodden, pain-filled moments, but mostly smiles and giggles have filled our home reminding me life is good. Secondly, God is good. He is in control. He trusted these girls to me, and I am doing my best and that is all He asked of me. Because as much as I love them, He loves them more. When I have thought I was completely out of patience, He has refilled my cup. A Godly appointed text or phone call from a friend has reminded me people are praying for us and are here to support us through even this small trial. When I am ready to fall apart, the Lord has taken me to His words that I have instilled in my heart. I would be nothing if not for my God.
I guess my whole point of this post was to be honest about my doubts and struggles, to get my feelings into the "blog world". I pray it blesses someone. And to all you moms out there, know you are doing a FABULOUS job. We don't tell each other that enough. Sure we are quick to give advice and offer our two-cents, but sometimes all we need is the reassurance that we are doing a good job. Being a mother is the hardest most amazing thing in the entire world. Enjoy it...the crumbs, while annoying, will be there waiting after the kids are in bed. Heck, they will be there tomorrow. Build another tower, eat another pretend pancake, give one more hug and a hundred more kisses, make another memory. The days are long but the years are so, so short.
And this, memories like these, are absolutely priceless...
