I always prayed, hoped, wondered when I would be able to start this process again...writing letters to the precious blessing growing inside of me. You see, some people don't see you as life yet, but your Daddy and I do. You are our baby. We love you unconditionally, care for you more than you could ever know and have prayed for you from the moment we found out you had been given to us.
To be honest, the morning I found out (October 7, 2011), it had been a crazy week at work. It was a Friday morning and Mommy was TIRED! I was one day late. No reason to be concerned given the stress of the week and the fact that I had started working out again recently. But for some reason, I felt the urging to take the test anyway. And so...I did. And then I did it again. And then, sweet baby, please take no offense to this, Mommy had a bit of a panic attack!
I couldn't even bring myself to tell your Daddy after the first test, and he had left for work before I took the second one. But you see, this is why the Lord surrounds you with best friends who love the Lord, who encourage you, and who know you better than you know yourself. And that is where your Aunt Jaja comes in. So technically, yes, she knew about you before your Daddy did! No worries...Daddy doesn't mind :) You will soon grow up to know what a special bond you will share with Aunt Jaja and Uncle James...and of course, Emeri and Avari too.
So once I had calmed down a bit and Aunt Jaja had assured me I could handle TWO kids, I went on about my morning getting Sissy to school. Side Note: Sophie is a big sissy!!! AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Some time shortly after dropping her off, I was listening to KSBJ and one of my favorite songs was playing,
Strong Enough by Matthew West. The end of the song says this and it happens to be all I caught that morning...
"I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength.
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us."
It was then that I realized I was fearful of all the wrong things. I am not super woman. I can't do everything perfectly. There will be times when I don't have the energy to have a spotless house, to have folded laundry, to have the appearance of having everything together. But I stand on a Solid Rock and He has it all together for us. He knows you ~ He MADE you! He loves you THAT much! One day when you realize your Mommy and Daddy aren't perfect, remember you have a perfect Father in Heaven that loves you so much He died for you. Our prayer for you, even now sweet baby, is to know that love at an early age because it is ultimately all that matters in this world.
So yes, Mommy and Daddy are a bit unsure how the next nineish months is going to go down. There will be a lot of changes I'm sure. But all changes that are getting us one step closer to you and to our new family of FOUR! Five, counting George of course. And ultimately, the fears that are present in our lives are not about you, but life in general. Knowing that, I am focused now where my heart needs to be...on glorifying the One who gave you to us. To honoring him and caring for the sweet life He has entrusted us with. Believe me, I have no idea why the Lord has seen fit to bless us with two wonderful children, but we will praise Him for it everyday! We are all unworthy and yet, He loves us so much He blesses us and brings us the joys and desires of our hearts. His plan for us is good, and yes, sometimes surprising even :) So despite our initial state of shock, we know the timing is indeed, perfect! Perfect to welcome you into our hearts, our lives, our world.
It is an honor sweet Bean to be your Mommy! I will care for you the best I can while you are growing inside of me, when you take your first breath in this crazy world, and every moment after that. I can't promise perfection...but I can promise unconditional love, precious prayers, sweet hugs, multitudes of kisses, and a lap and arms that you will never be able to outgrow!
Praying for you always and loving you forever!
Keep growing sweet Bean, keep growing!
All my love,
Mommy
